"...I"ll show up & take care of you as I promised & bring you back home. I know what I am doing. I have it all planned out -- plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. When you call on me, I'll listen. When you come looking for me, you'll find me. Yes, when you get serious about finding me & want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you won't be disappointed." -- Jeremiah 29.11-13

Answered

Three Answered Prayers

[One]
Worship at camp has been amazing. I never knew how much worshiping twice a day could completely change my attitude and my outlook. And now I find it one of the saddest things to see go at the end of the summer.

This week during worship I was seeking out God's presence as I have most of camp, and as I have most times, feeling empty. Afterwards, we all started to pray for the campers and one of the kids praying thanked God for his presence in worship. My immediate reaction was to become frustrated because I could not feel it. But I felt God put this on my heart instead....


My presence is right in front of you. Why not step into it? Don't you see that you are worthy to be in my presence. My son shed his blood and makes you worthy to be in my presence. He tore the curtain so you could be with me. Step into my presence.

Easier said than done, but as I have been seeking Jesus and asking him to make his words real to me, he answered. The Lord is good.

[two]
I have been praying for adventure for a while. I thought it came when I was suppose to go to Africa last summer but it was not in God's plans.
Recently, meeting and becoming best friends with a guy from Ireland has opened some doors though. He persistently told me from day one that I would be coming to Ireland. I wasn't sure I quite agreed. Ireland was a whole nother world away and a lot of money. But as I became better friends with him, I wanted to go more, so I selfishly prayed that God would provide and open the doors. In a matter of one week, God provided a job staying at camp for 4 more weeks and my Dad booked the ticket and told me I could pay half of it back over six months and he would cover the other half. I am leaving the country (minus canada) for the first time in seven months to travel across the ocean to Ireland. Needless to say, I'm freaking out and thanking God.

[three]
I asked God to speak to me in my devo time.
This is what I heard:

Hold out Emilie. I promise I am here. I am not leaving you. One day, it will all fit. You will be complete in my arms. I am working on you. Don't doubt it. Seek me, as you are. I am here and I am loving on you. I am right here. Keep your eyes up loved one. You are precious and you are beautiful. I have such amazing plans for you daughter- I know you can't see but trust me and trust them. Hold out your hand.

Too Good for Charity

"I love to give charity, but I don't want to be charity. That is why I have so much trouble with grace."
-Donald Miller

This sentence struck a chord with me. I absouletely love to give to people, but I hate accepting things. Even someone offering to pay for my dinner and I freak out, as if I couldn't afford to. Because I do not like recieving an umerited gift, let alone a merited one, how am I suppose to accept God's grace without doing something? I'd much rather be able to say I earned it.

...Too bad it doesn't work like that. His grace is there no matter what. Its my heart which has to choose to accept it. Not to earn it. Just like his love, I cannot earn. I just have to accept it.

Favorite Book of the Bible... Lifes and adventure, right?

DISCLAIMER: This quite possibly could be the most jumbled mess of my thoughts, ever put onto paper... 


So, I know that technically we are not suppose to have favorites, but Ephesians has easily become my favorite book over the coarse of the last couple years. Looking over the pages it covers, it is filled with writing, notes, underling, high lighting... ah, the beauty of a well loved bible. I wish that I could say I loved it more, spent more time digging in, and really living it out.

This passage was the devotion for Bethany's 40 days of Lent devotional and it came at a really good time.

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up  according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a live of love just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." Eph. 3:29-4:2

How often do the words that come out of our mouths reflect love? Do we really think before we speak? Is all the joking and sarcasm in the world just a cover? Where is the deep, real relationship?

I began to think of who in my life I can call on. Who can I call when my day is crappy? Who can I call when I just aced that test? Who can I be one hundred percent real with when I am doubting God? Or forgetting his grace? When I am beating myself up? Or failing to trust God...

When you die, do you want to be know as someone who live ordinarily? content with the comfortable? or someone who put extra into everyday things? Someone who was never ashamed to serve God, to fall to their knees, to lift their arms, to love.

How much do you have to hate someone to NOT tell them about Jesus and eternal life?
Powerful right?

I was talking to my good friend the other night about living an extraordinary life. Living life as an adventure- just the way it was meant to be. I loved the way she put it... "It's easy. Live extraordinarily. Take an ordinary task...and add a twist. Like...showering? Sing. Write a letter/paperwork? Do it left handed. TALK WITH AN ACCENT! Skip instead of walk. See how far you can run on snow before you fall in :)"

So what perspective are you living your life from? 
Adventure?
Just trying to survive?
Race to the finish?

So what makes your life different? When they put you in a box in the ground, what will you be remembered for?

If there was one thing, that people remembered me by I would hope that it was this simple: loving Jesus. Not doing too hot on this right now but what is life but a huge adventure when we are focused on loving God.

I want to travel, tell a stranger that Jesus loves them, make someones day, cause someone to laugh, bring smiles to the broken, hope to the hopeless, never go to bed feeling like that day wasn't worth it, never waste an opportunity for the extraordinary. I don't want to fear anymore, I want to live.

I want to love.

Selfishness

I realized something today, or rather a couple things.
I have been sitting around and waiting for God to get my attention. As if he'd come down in chariots of fire and light the path for me with flood lamps. I have been waiting for God to plant desire in my heart. I have been waiting for God to change me. I have been waiting for God to make me fall in love with him. I have been waiting for God to move in me.

There are two things wrong with this picture.

One.
I had given God no room to move in me.

Two.
I was not actively pursing God.


I cannot expect God to move in me when I give him no room to operate in my life. God calls us to live a life of surrender. He desires to fill us up with all that he has to offer us- love, hope, desire, calling, joy, fulfillment- but when we give him no room to fill us up, he is left waiting... simply waiting for us to pour out our cup. Our cup is never easy to pour out. It is full of all kinds of baggage. Things holding us back. Dreams, desires, materials, hurts, goals, time, and even idols. But in surrendering all that over to God we find true freedom. Freedom to be exactly what God has created us to be. Freedom to love God. Freedom to leave worry behind. Freedom to seek and pursue God with all that we are. When we empty out ourselves, we give God room to fill us up. But God is a gentlemen. He will not pour your cup out for you. The bible does not say that Jesus will take your life from you... what love is that? It says to lay down your life for him. We must start with actively pursuing God. "Come near to God and he will come near to you." I have lived in a lie that past year. I was so worried that the life I was living was one out of religion instead of relationship that I quit reading my bible, and I quit pursing God. I thought that in order for my pursing God to be from pure motive I had to be in love with God. But how do you fall in love with God unless your pursing him?!? Somebody does not just walk into you life and make you love them. You pursue them, you pursue your relationship with them and you FALL IN LOVE.

So right now I have to things on my heart:

Surrender

Actively pursing Jesus






.... and through all of this, he is still smiling down on me, his daughter. That is grace and agape.

I wish I could remember exactly the thoughts that ran through my head as I tossed and turned yet another night away. Sarah and Uncle Wes were heavy on my heart, and a piece of me began to dread to go home. Home is where reminders of them lay. Home means dealing with their loss, that they are not around anymore. And the scariest part about it all, is that I am beginning to forget them.

I feel like I focused so much on Sarah's death that I completely avoiding dealing with Uncle Wes's. And now, almost three years later, it has slipped away that he is actually gone. Never again will I get to fall into his big hugs. I cannot remember what his laugh sounds like, or his deep deep voice. I can't tell you his favorite meal, or even his birthday. I only know that when we get together with family, he won't be there.

I now know that he was not a perfect man, nor is life perfect. He may not have been the best man, but he was my Uncle Wes and I miss him. In the end, when his days were few, he cared most about sharing his love.

I remember our last Christmas together. I complained about having to spend a whole day, driving to Eugene, and having a meal with the whole family. I sat on the opposite side of the table as him. He looked tired, and you could tell this was his biggest outing in a long time. We took a family picture that day. I am not sure who took it, but I wonder where it went. I'd like to see that. We said our goodbye's. I said "Merry Christmas," as if this occassion was the same as all the others.

It wasn't. Those would be my last words to him. My last hug.

Staying in Seattle would mean avoiding the anniversary's that bring pain. Avoiding thinking about the days and years that have passed. So many without even a thought of him not being there.

It never does get easier. As sad as it is to say that, I am being honest. Slowly, you will think about it less, and more and more time will pass between your thoughts, or your "hard days," but those hard days never get any easier. Your heart still aches for one more hug. One more chance to say I love you.

As I lay in bed last night, I think of the main thing I have learned through loss: to love.
Time is short.
No doubt about it.
Never miss a chance to tell someone you love them.

So even a couple minutes after the lights went out, I felt the need to break the silence and tell Bryn I loved her. She may never know the significance of this action, in reality she probably just wanted to go to bed, and be left alone.

For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and melt into the sun?

And what is it to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, 

That it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?

Only when you rink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing.

And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb.

And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance.

-Kahlil Gilram

 

November Second...

So, I definitely read the wrong day in my devotional, but it was a perfect message and I wanted to share it.

Consider this a love letter from Jesus to you.

"Grow Strong in the Light of My Presence. Your weakness does not repel Me. On the countrary, it attracts My Power, which is always available to flow into a yielded heart. Do not condemn yourself for your constant need of help. Instead, come to Me with your gaping neediness; let the Light of My Love fill you. 

"A yielded heart does not whine or rebel when the going gets rough. It musters the courage to thank Me even during hard times. Yielding yourself to My will is ultimately an act of trust. In quietness and trust is your strength."

I love her use of yielding...
When a car yields... it waits and it aware, only going when it is time.
Our hearts should be yielding... waiting and aware of God, waiting on his timing.