After having a room to myself for the last 8 years, I now have a roommate. And it dawned on me this morning the many roles a roommate takes on. Your roommate is your mother when you are sick, your father when you are doing something wrong or "staying out too late", your sibling when you need to argue, your friend when you want to have fun, your partner in crime for adventure, your shoulder when your down, and the person you ultimately begin to share your life with.
I have been praying for my future college roommate for the last year or so. As my second mother always would tell me, "You are who you hang out with." I prayed two things. One, that God would bring me just the right roommate for me. I wasn't sure what that would look like, but at least I knew God knows best. Two, I prayed that weather that person was someone I would get along with or not, that they'd encourage me to grow in my faith.
So far, I feel blessed. I guess you could say Bryn inspired this random little post. A girl from Colorado, that I had never met, who is on the gymnastics team, and enjoys talking in a lisp... and already I can confidently say, well, we laugh A LOT.
Looking forward to a year of memories, of laughter, of love, of adventures, maybe some tears, and a new friend and sister. :)
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
checklist
I don't want to live life like a checklist. I want it to be full, of adventure and fun. I want to be spontaneous, romantic, loving and full of laughter. But I also want to accomplish things. Every day I end up with some sort of an agenda or to do list that I begin to check off until my task are completed. I don't want to live life inside the lines. I want something more.
brief update from college and the thoughts currently spinning.
brief update from college and the thoughts currently spinning.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
"you are the only one who knows my heart strings oh so well... won't you play me a song?"
It's a beautiful idea... that love can be so powerful as to actually physically and emotionally pull and tug on one's heart. But sad, when we have a love this powerful, yet rarely do we see it in action. Love is not simply a feeling. It isn't something you can fall into and out of. It doesn't come and go like the wind. It is seen in the small things. A whisper in the wind. A late night chat. A friendly visit. A warm meal. A need filled. A heart consoled. A hug encountered. An embrace. A tear wiped away.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Playing the Cards you were Dealt.
COUNTDOWN:
Schools out: 3 days
Graduation: 5 days
18th birthday: 12 days
I've been thinking a lot about turning 18. When you turn 18, you can... buy cigars, porn and lottery tickets, order of infomercials, enlist in the military, etc. You are officially the age of an "adult," aka, not a minor anymore. You are expected to be capable of making "smart" decisions, and if not, you are old enough to know better and accept "full" punishment. You parents are no longer legally responsible for you.
But as I leave "Chapter 5: Teenage years" behind, and step into an entirely new PART of my story, I am reluctant to let the child in me go. So often, I am so focused on what is to come that I forget everything I am leaving behind. Well, today, everything I am leaving behind has hit me and I'm beginning to wonder if I used "PART ONE: Childhood" of my story, to the best of my abilities.
How much time did I waste on stupid things that will never matter?
too much.
How many times did I over-think a situation?
too much.
Did I spend more time trying to cover-up the true me instead of being myself?
sometimes.
Was I so afraid of mistakes, I never took a risk?
sometimes.
Did living up to my "identity" or "status" conflict with what I really wanted to do?
sometimes.
Was I so self-centered that I missed an opportunity to make someone else smile?
too many times to count.
Childhood is the time when you can make a mistake, and then learn from it. You can wear your nice white t-shirt and get it completely filthy because your mom can always soak in the washer and make it clean again. It's the time when your biggest worry should be what to wear or finishing your book report. It's the time when life is all about you... just to teach you that the world doesn't revolve around you. It's the time for learning.
The fact that 18 years of your life have gone by, means your an adult, doesn't carry much weight with me. I know a lot of kids who have had to "grow-up" before there time, and plenty of kids who are still waiting. And the fact of the matter for me is, in 12 days, I'm not ready to close PART ONE of my story.
So how about a part one and a half? I don't want to wait any longer for "life to happen," but I am not sure I am ready yet... but, are we ever ready?
As a good friend tells me, "Emilie, it's not the end of the story."
I don't want to waste time waiting for something to happen or wishing I had done something differently. I'd rather just [live].
I am the author of my story, and although many people have influenced me, I've always been the one to make the pen meet the page, and I always will be. God may already know the end of my story, he may know my mistakes and my excitement, my hurts and my loves but I am still the one in control of the pen. God will lay out a path for me, that I can choose to follow or not. And I can tell you now in complete confidence, I won't always make the right choice. He will open and close doors but it is my choice to act. If you asked if God was in control, I'd answer, in life and death, yes, in circumstances yes, does he have the ultimate authority on heaven and earth, yes but does he control me, no. I have to decide. God will always be laying out a path for me, and when I diverge, or walk away, he will always have detour for me to get back on track. But I decide where to take each step, and in what direction.
Sitting on my roof always puts things into perspective for me. I can see where the mountains meet the rolling clouds, and for some reason I am reminded what this life is all about. It is not about where you are a good writer or not, its about the words left on the page. People will not remember your successes, they will remember your failures and challenges. They will not remember the chapter or page when you got dealt a royal flush... so stop waiting to be dealt the perfect hand. The legacy you leave is when you learn to play the cards you were dealt.
Schools out: 3 days
Graduation: 5 days
18th birthday: 12 days
I've been thinking a lot about turning 18. When you turn 18, you can... buy cigars, porn and lottery tickets, order of infomercials, enlist in the military, etc. You are officially the age of an "adult," aka, not a minor anymore. You are expected to be capable of making "smart" decisions, and if not, you are old enough to know better and accept "full" punishment. You parents are no longer legally responsible for you.
But as I leave "Chapter 5: Teenage years" behind, and step into an entirely new PART of my story, I am reluctant to let the child in me go. So often, I am so focused on what is to come that I forget everything I am leaving behind. Well, today, everything I am leaving behind has hit me and I'm beginning to wonder if I used "PART ONE: Childhood" of my story, to the best of my abilities.
How much time did I waste on stupid things that will never matter?
too much.
How many times did I over-think a situation?
too much.
Did I spend more time trying to cover-up the true me instead of being myself?
sometimes.
Was I so afraid of mistakes, I never took a risk?
sometimes.
Did living up to my "identity" or "status" conflict with what I really wanted to do?
sometimes.
Was I so self-centered that I missed an opportunity to make someone else smile?
too many times to count.
Childhood is the time when you can make a mistake, and then learn from it. You can wear your nice white t-shirt and get it completely filthy because your mom can always soak in the washer and make it clean again. It's the time when your biggest worry should be what to wear or finishing your book report. It's the time when life is all about you... just to teach you that the world doesn't revolve around you. It's the time for learning.
The fact that 18 years of your life have gone by, means your an adult, doesn't carry much weight with me. I know a lot of kids who have had to "grow-up" before there time, and plenty of kids who are still waiting. And the fact of the matter for me is, in 12 days, I'm not ready to close PART ONE of my story.
So how about a part one and a half? I don't want to wait any longer for "life to happen," but I am not sure I am ready yet... but, are we ever ready?
As a good friend tells me, "Emilie, it's not the end of the story."
I don't want to waste time waiting for something to happen or wishing I had done something differently. I'd rather just [live].
I am the author of my story, and although many people have influenced me, I've always been the one to make the pen meet the page, and I always will be. God may already know the end of my story, he may know my mistakes and my excitement, my hurts and my loves but I am still the one in control of the pen. God will lay out a path for me, that I can choose to follow or not. And I can tell you now in complete confidence, I won't always make the right choice. He will open and close doors but it is my choice to act. If you asked if God was in control, I'd answer, in life and death, yes, in circumstances yes, does he have the ultimate authority on heaven and earth, yes but does he control me, no. I have to decide. God will always be laying out a path for me, and when I diverge, or walk away, he will always have detour for me to get back on track. But I decide where to take each step, and in what direction.
Sitting on my roof always puts things into perspective for me. I can see where the mountains meet the rolling clouds, and for some reason I am reminded what this life is all about. It is not about where you are a good writer or not, its about the words left on the page. People will not remember your successes, they will remember your failures and challenges. They will not remember the chapter or page when you got dealt a royal flush... so stop waiting to be dealt the perfect hand. The legacy you leave is when you learn to play the cards you were dealt.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
He was a good man, whose only goal was to see his boy grow up.
When sickness struck his body, he never did give up.
No one ever told him the good news, the promise of eternity.
And now he must say goodbye, the final time to us.
A boy stuck in the middle of being a child and a man,
his family ripped apart by tragedy again.
Things keep falling apart and he can't keep up,
Failure haunts him, and dreams just make reality seem more harsh.
A girl, caught in between Mother and Father,
Time running out, pressure caving in.
Dead silence in the day, chaos in the night.
All she aims to do is whatever is right.
A family beaten down, they can no longer breathe.
Waves crashing down as they tread uneven ground.
Money has run out, disaster always strikes.
Five kids left in a tangle, a mess of unrest.
When everything came crashing down, home was always home.
And just as she needs it most, stability is lost.
No one ever sees her heartache or understands that this home was not just a home.
Girl comes home to screaming and fighting,
She tries so hard to be like Jesus,
but matters only get worse.
Left on her own to fend for herself,
Jesus is her family more than most.
When sickness struck his body, he never did give up.
No one ever told him the good news, the promise of eternity.
And now he must say goodbye, the final time to us.
A boy stuck in the middle of being a child and a man,
his family ripped apart by tragedy again.
Things keep falling apart and he can't keep up,
Failure haunts him, and dreams just make reality seem more harsh.
A girl, caught in between Mother and Father,
Time running out, pressure caving in.
Dead silence in the day, chaos in the night.
All she aims to do is whatever is right.
A family beaten down, they can no longer breathe.
Waves crashing down as they tread uneven ground.
Money has run out, disaster always strikes.
Five kids left in a tangle, a mess of unrest.
When everything came crashing down, home was always home.
And just as she needs it most, stability is lost.
No one ever sees her heartache or understands that this home was not just a home.
Girl comes home to screaming and fighting,
She tries so hard to be like Jesus,
but matters only get worse.
Left on her own to fend for herself,
Jesus is her family more than most.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Pursuit by the prince
I wrote this in a journal about a month ago and just stumbled over them again. I guess you can't say they are the words of God... but they sure are words my heart needed to hear... and normally I would never post this on here... But I got to thinking that maybe someone out there also needs to hear these words.
Em
Emilie-
I love you so much but I can't force you to love me. You've put some distance between us- its harder for you to hear my voice. Well draw close to me and I draw near to you. Your priorities are not quite right lately. I need to be first Em if you want it all to fall into place. I promise my intentions for your life are all good and I have a perfect plan for you! But you have to accept putting me in the driver's seat, and trusting that when I take the hard route, your future is always in mind. You have to lay down your plan, and accept what I have for you. I do want to dig your well deeper, I want to give you wisdom- but you have to let me. You have to completely, undoubtedly, unashamedly, trust me with your heart. Sometimes the purification and weeding isn't that easy but I want to give you the fullest, richest life possible. So Em, trust me... Give me your heart. I don't want the world taking another crack at it. Pursue me. I can't force you to love me, but I am love so I can promise that if you pursue me you'll find love. True, real, fulfilling love. One day, there will be a man to adore you, with your gifts and talents and even imperfections. He will only push you to love me more. He will fit with your heart and your logic- I promise. But for now, just respond to my love, I am pursuing you. Better yet, I will always pursue you. There is no where you can go that I will not be chasing you, completely in love with you. So Em, Please give me your heart. I promise I'll take good care of it, and I will take you on the adventure of a lifetime. You and me. It won't always be easy but we will always be together- I won't ever leave your side. And when its all said and done, I promise you won't regret a thing.
Love always,
your prince charming.
Em
Emilie-
I love you so much but I can't force you to love me. You've put some distance between us- its harder for you to hear my voice. Well draw close to me and I draw near to you. Your priorities are not quite right lately. I need to be first Em if you want it all to fall into place. I promise my intentions for your life are all good and I have a perfect plan for you! But you have to accept putting me in the driver's seat, and trusting that when I take the hard route, your future is always in mind. You have to lay down your plan, and accept what I have for you. I do want to dig your well deeper, I want to give you wisdom- but you have to let me. You have to completely, undoubtedly, unashamedly, trust me with your heart. Sometimes the purification and weeding isn't that easy but I want to give you the fullest, richest life possible. So Em, trust me... Give me your heart. I don't want the world taking another crack at it. Pursue me. I can't force you to love me, but I am love so I can promise that if you pursue me you'll find love. True, real, fulfilling love. One day, there will be a man to adore you, with your gifts and talents and even imperfections. He will only push you to love me more. He will fit with your heart and your logic- I promise. But for now, just respond to my love, I am pursuing you. Better yet, I will always pursue you. There is no where you can go that I will not be chasing you, completely in love with you. So Em, Please give me your heart. I promise I'll take good care of it, and I will take you on the adventure of a lifetime. You and me. It won't always be easy but we will always be together- I won't ever leave your side. And when its all said and done, I promise you won't regret a thing.
Love always,
your prince charming.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Here I am Jesus. I know I have avoided you the last couple days. I'm upset that I feel like I'm right back in the place I started two years ago. I don't want to do the daunting task in front of me.
God, I've been so disconnected I am not even sure I can feel anymore. Let me really feel, deep in my core, the tears running down your cheeks feel.
Bottom line... I have trust issues. I don't do it easy, and when I do it, I don't do it in the right places or timing. All I can think about is wanting to curl up in your lap and lay there, content for hours. I'm emotionally exhausted.
Abba, I know this will probably be a daily thing, but please take my heart. I give you full permission, every key for every door and cupboard. Take all of the stuff that I am caring on my back. I know that you are much more capable of carrying it.
Why do I get so scared to give everything away? Because I like to be in control. I prefer steering the bike. I can see where I am going, how I'm getting there and choose my own path. But no matter what I decide, you are always in control. Please take this steering wheel. I don't want to fight for it any longer.
Lord,
Take my heart.
Take the bad and good.
Clean it out.
Make it shine.
It's been so lonely, off here in space.
Fear held me back. It chained me down.
These bags of sand are keeping me from lift-off.
There tying me down.
Lord,
Take my heart.
Take the bad and good.
Clean it out.
Make it shine.
My heart is so fragile since these scars made there mark.
I hold it real close and keep it from most.
They all let me down. I expected too much.
Now I'm left here with the consequences to boast.
They've lied, they've left and they've missed out.
And I thought I was all alone,
Just the first to go under the bus.
But you never left my side.
Lord,
Take my heart.
Take the bad and good.
Clean it out.
Make it shine.
So, I give you these bricks I carry so much.
I quit doing your job, the world is not mine.
These body builder shoulders have only left me hurting.
And realizing that I could never do this on my own.
So Lord,
Take this heart of mine.
I trust that you will hold on tight.
It's beaten and bruised.
It's broken and not a pretty sight.
Tend my fields and plow my garden.
Bring new life to this heart of mine.
Lord,
Take my heart.
Take the bad and good.
Clean it out.
Make it shine.
I've missed out on your beauty a little too long.
Bring heaven down here. Bring heaven down here.
This life is but a glimpse, closed in by time.
I don't want to waste this life.
Bring heaven down here. Bring heaven down here.
Lord,
Take my heart.
Take the bad and good.
Clean it out.
Make it shine.
I'm not really sure where that came from. It doesn't flow like a poem or a song, but I feel like it was exactly what I needed to write out. The words are true from my heart and there just for you Jesus. Please take the weight off my shoulders. Bring me rest. Hold this heart of mine, never let it go. Make me whole, quench my thirst, do your work. I love you Lord.
Meke Aloha [agape]-
Emilie Lauren
God, I've been so disconnected I am not even sure I can feel anymore. Let me really feel, deep in my core, the tears running down your cheeks feel.
Bottom line... I have trust issues. I don't do it easy, and when I do it, I don't do it in the right places or timing. All I can think about is wanting to curl up in your lap and lay there, content for hours. I'm emotionally exhausted.
Abba, I know this will probably be a daily thing, but please take my heart. I give you full permission, every key for every door and cupboard. Take all of the stuff that I am caring on my back. I know that you are much more capable of carrying it.
Why do I get so scared to give everything away? Because I like to be in control. I prefer steering the bike. I can see where I am going, how I'm getting there and choose my own path. But no matter what I decide, you are always in control. Please take this steering wheel. I don't want to fight for it any longer.
Lord,
Take my heart.
Take the bad and good.
Clean it out.
Make it shine.
It's been so lonely, off here in space.
Fear held me back. It chained me down.
These bags of sand are keeping me from lift-off.
There tying me down.
Lord,
Take my heart.
Take the bad and good.
Clean it out.
Make it shine.
My heart is so fragile since these scars made there mark.
I hold it real close and keep it from most.
They all let me down. I expected too much.
Now I'm left here with the consequences to boast.
They've lied, they've left and they've missed out.
And I thought I was all alone,
Just the first to go under the bus.
But you never left my side.
Lord,
Take my heart.
Take the bad and good.
Clean it out.
Make it shine.
So, I give you these bricks I carry so much.
I quit doing your job, the world is not mine.
These body builder shoulders have only left me hurting.
And realizing that I could never do this on my own.
So Lord,
Take this heart of mine.
I trust that you will hold on tight.
It's beaten and bruised.
It's broken and not a pretty sight.
Tend my fields and plow my garden.
Bring new life to this heart of mine.
Lord,
Take my heart.
Take the bad and good.
Clean it out.
Make it shine.
I've missed out on your beauty a little too long.
Bring heaven down here. Bring heaven down here.
This life is but a glimpse, closed in by time.
I don't want to waste this life.
Bring heaven down here. Bring heaven down here.
Lord,
Take my heart.
Take the bad and good.
Clean it out.
Make it shine.
I'm not really sure where that came from. It doesn't flow like a poem or a song, but I feel like it was exactly what I needed to write out. The words are true from my heart and there just for you Jesus. Please take the weight off my shoulders. Bring me rest. Hold this heart of mine, never let it go. Make me whole, quench my thirst, do your work. I love you Lord.
Meke Aloha [agape]-
Emilie Lauren
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