trust vs. transparency

I am caught between the balance of transparency and trusting.
How do I be completely transparent, as I do fill God has called us without giving away my heart in trust? God says that nothing in light can be hidden. So, if I'm in light then none of me should be hidden. I should be able to share freely and openly. If God calls us to (agape) love everyone, shouldn't a natural fruit of that be trust. "Trust is the fruit of a relationship in which you know you are loved." So, it would logically make sense for me to struggle trusting someone that I (agape) love.... because the question falls on, do they love me?

Normally, I'm not an easier "truster". It takes time to get to know me and you have to peel me back layer at a time, just like an onion. It can be difficult work and I've learned not everyone stays around to do the job, and the people who do stay around are fine with a mediocre relationship in which I'm scared to share most anything.  But every once and a while, someone comes around and I feel the need to unfold and peel my layers back.. I don't know why but I do know that it only leaves me feeling alone and vulnerable.

So where is the balance? How do you become transparent without letting your heart go? Without the pushing of emotional boundaries?

I was told the other day about the way men and women were created.
Men... they were created as sexual beings. They desire sex. That is the bottom line.
Women... they were created for relationship. They desire it. That is the bottom line.


This is where I get caught up in trusting... especially with a guy. Is giving your heart away by trusting a guy a sketchy line to cross? Like crossing a sexual boundary for a guy, is crossing an emotional boundary by trusting a guy with your heart crossing the line?

In a few short months, I will be off to Seattle. I will enter adulthood and be on my own. It's crazy to think about. I am so excited but when I really think about it, I am very sad to leave childhood. I will leave Bend, and in a way, a life. I've lived here for the most part since I was born. I will leave almost everyone I love, everyone I've trusted, everyone I've poured into, and everyone who has poured into me. Just like everything else in this life, its all only temporary.

So, do I go at life, with a temporary view point? Everything will eventually be gone anyways, why waste the time trusting and giving your heart away? Or because this life is temporary, do I give fully until I am made full by God? The first one sounds safe but in all honesty boring. The second one brings more excitement to the picture, but scares the crap out of me.

So, where is the balance? Is there even a balance? God says make the most of every opportunity. Is making the most of every opportunity involve trusting without strings attached or worries? Or do we need to protect our hearts?

What scares me so much to trust? Maybe the fact that I could get hurt in the end. Maybe the fact that there is no promise of "together forever" in the end... whether in romance or in family. (romance: as is dating or marriage. family: as in siblings.) I want to be loved me for me. Not for my past, not for what has happened to me, not for what I've done. Just me. Geeky, nerdy, cheesy, awkward me. 

Because when the day is done, I'm not defined by what I've done, do or will do. I'm simply defined as a daughter.

"Just love me, Em. I promise in the end it will all work out." -Words on my heart from God...


This is rather rough. Just my thoughts on the page. Not sure what to make of anything yet.