Emilie [diligent worker] Lauren [guarded by God]

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Just a thought

Talking to a friend yesterday, God began to show me something really cool... so why not share? :)

My friend was complimenting me on listening to what God told me to do recently. I was a little nervous, but I went through with it, and God being so good, It was perfect. :) She said that she loved how I was unashamed (personally, not a quality I would choose for myself...) and she wanted to be like me. Which got me thinking, it has never been what I've done, it has always been what God has done.

Through out my life, I have never been able to give God complete focus. Fact of the matter is, I'm human and until I'm in heaven, my flesh will always be stuck to my spirit. I've pursued other of things over God millions of times. But here it comes... the beautiful thing.

He has ALWAYS pursued me. 

Sometimes it just takes the time to "stop and smell the roses" to realize how much he adores and longs for me, and for you. As I talked to my friend, I felt led to tell her how much Jesus loves her, and today you.

If you were the only person on the entire planet that loved roses, literally EVERYONE else hated them, God still would have created them, just to see you smile. :) He loves you that much.

So, today I'd like to remind you, that the God of the universe loves you more than you can fathom. He adores you, he cares about you, and wants to carry all your weight. 

Monday, April 12, 2010

Oh the beautiful things in life....

I've been reminded to stop and smell the roses. The beautiful things. Enjoy them. :)

Last night the rain lulled me to sleep as it pounded on my window. The perfect symphony performed just for me by the God of the universe.

Arriving at school 20 minutes late and saying a quick prayer, just to find the very front parking spot is open.

Having friends that love the crap out of you, and want to stand by your side no matter what.

New friendships that blossom into something amazing.

A perfect God how can work through all things, including the imperfect.

Beating the boys in a round of bball.

Music! The way to my heart. :) I am not very musically talented but I LOVE MUSIC. It can always reach my heart and touch my soul. It moves me.

Sitting on the roof, looking at the stars.

The God of the universe, wants to carry my burdens.

Family... its forever.

Dancing in the rain. :)

Dandy's. mmmmmm. :)

Math competitions. Oh yes, they are a beautiful thing.

I'm not near done. I plan to continue to add to this list for a long time coming.... but this was the beginning.... to no end. May you find joy in some of the same things.

head to heart

I am committing myself to only eight minutes of typing so I can be in bed by midnight.
What a day. I did not except to go to sleep tonight thinking or feeling the way I am... at peace.

A while back I began to open up a lot to someone. They had realized how much I pushed things under the rug and hid them in my closet. I hadn't dealt with anything. And they slowly started to pull it all out. Once they got me going, they stepped back. The job really needed to be done between God and I. But without no one convincing me anymore that I still had spring cleaning to do, I quit. Only a shelf or two out of so many were dusted, but just like so many things, if you don't continue to keep up with the cleaning, the dust will catch up.

I closed those doors and locked them. I thought I was okay and that I moved on. I did not realize that what I was doing was actually harming me more- it was holding me back. Since then, I haven't really opened the doors. I didn't seem to see a reason to. The people I was close to came in and out of the picture and my heart has grown harder. So many people haven't stuck around that I have lost reason to trust anyone.

A friend came a long and I felt the strange need to open up a closet door and share the surface. I don't know why, but I felt he needed to know where I had come from. I let my emotions impede my judgement too many times but it did not keep him from speaking truth into my life. He described it like this. I am a hot air balloon. I'm full of fire, and passion and desires. But I have all these bags of sand tied around the side that are keeping me from reaching the things I want so badly.

I don't think he realized how right he was. I don't trust easy. And that may be a good thing at this point because the one person I need to trust the most, hasn't gotten anything: God. He deserves my 100% full trust. And He won't break it. I've started to give it to him before, and then I get this crazy idea I can do it on my own. Well, you can't.

NOTE TO SELF: Emilie, you CANNOT do it on your own.

Now, it is simply a matter of taking the many, many truths that my head knows so well, and getting my heart to agree.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

trust vs. transparency

I am caught between the balance of transparency and trusting.
How do I be completely transparent, as I do fill God has called us without giving away my heart in trust? God says that nothing in light can be hidden. So, if I'm in light then none of me should be hidden. I should be able to share freely and openly. If God calls us to (agape) love everyone, shouldn't a natural fruit of that be trust. "Trust is the fruit of a relationship in which you know you are loved." So, it would logically make sense for me to struggle trusting someone that I (agape) love.... because the question falls on, do they love me?

Normally, I'm not an easier "truster". It takes time to get to know me and you have to peel me back layer at a time, just like an onion. It can be difficult work and I've learned not everyone stays around to do the job, and the people who do stay around are fine with a mediocre relationship in which I'm scared to share most anything.  But every once and a while, someone comes around and I feel the need to unfold and peel my layers back.. I don't know why but I do know that it only leaves me feeling alone and vulnerable.

So where is the balance? How do you become transparent without letting your heart go? Without the pushing of emotional boundaries?

I was told the other day about the way men and women were created.
Men... they were created as sexual beings. They desire sex. That is the bottom line.
Women... they were created for relationship. They desire it. That is the bottom line.

This is where I get caught up in trusting... especially with a guy. Is giving your heart away by trusting a guy a sketchy line to cross? Like crossing a sexual boundary for a guy, is crossing an emotional boundary by trusting a guy with your heart crossing the line?

In a few short months, I will be off to Seattle. I will enter adulthood and be on my own. It's crazy to think about. I am so excited but when I really think about it, I am very sad to leave childhood. I will leave Bend, and in a way, a life. I've lived here for the most part since I was born. I will leave almost everyone I love, everyone I've trusted, everyone I've poured into, and everyone who has poured into me. Just like everything else in this life, its all only temporary.

So, do I go at life, with a temporary view point? Everything will eventually be gone anyways, why waste the time trusting and giving your heart away? Or because this life is temporary, do I give fully until I am made full by God? The first one sounds safe but in all honesty boring. The second one brings more excitement to the picture, but scares the crap out of me.

So, where is the balance? Is there even a balance? God says make the most of every opportunity. Is making the most of every opportunity involve trusting without strings attached or worries? Or do we need to protect our hearts?

What scares me so much to trust? Maybe the fact that I could get hurt in the end. Maybe the fact that there is no promise of "together forever" in the end... whether in romance or in family. (romance: as is dating or marriage. family: as in siblings.) I want to be loved me for me. Not for my past, not for what has happened to me, not for what I've done. Just me. Geeky, nerdy, cheesy, awkward me. 

Because when the day is done, I'm not defined by what I've done, do or will do. I'm simply defined as a daughter.

"Just love me, Em. I promise in the end it will all work out." -Words on my heart from God...

This is rather rough. Just my thoughts on the page. Not sure what to make of anything yet.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Perfect orchestrated day from the sky

Today was simple yet amazing. There is no way that it could not have been composed and orchestrated by a power much greater than me.
Started off with peace, Jesus, and NO SCHOOL.
Then for a PERFECT afternoon with my beautiful best friend Brea. Some great girl talk, encouragement, dreaming, listening, shopping, and just what I needed.
On-track was perfect. God spoke, and I was completely flabbergasted by the overwhelming amount of encouragement I received.
A fun trek over to Safeway for some ice cream with some of my favorite people. A beautiful surprise of seeing Brit. And lovely conversation.

Thank you Jesus.
Thank you for a day so needed off.
Thank you for orchestrating it.
Thank you for putting Brea in my life.
Thank you for this beautiful new friendship you are putting in my life.
Thank you for putting the right things on my heart to pray for.
Thank you for answering prayer.
Thank you for patience.
Thank you for butterflies.
Thank you for always being in control.
Thank you for loving me.
Thank you for my amazing parents.
Thank you for placing Brit and I in the same Safeway at the same time.
Thank you for caring.
Thank you for the stars shinning bright.
Thank you.