Emilie [diligent worker] Lauren [guarded by God]

Monday, April 12, 2010

head to heart

I am committing myself to only eight minutes of typing so I can be in bed by midnight.
What a day. I did not except to go to sleep tonight thinking or feeling the way I am... at peace.

A while back I began to open up a lot to someone. They had realized how much I pushed things under the rug and hid them in my closet. I hadn't dealt with anything. And they slowly started to pull it all out. Once they got me going, they stepped back. The job really needed to be done between God and I. But without no one convincing me anymore that I still had spring cleaning to do, I quit. Only a shelf or two out of so many were dusted, but just like so many things, if you don't continue to keep up with the cleaning, the dust will catch up.

I closed those doors and locked them. I thought I was okay and that I moved on. I did not realize that what I was doing was actually harming me more- it was holding me back. Since then, I haven't really opened the doors. I didn't seem to see a reason to. The people I was close to came in and out of the picture and my heart has grown harder. So many people haven't stuck around that I have lost reason to trust anyone.

A friend came a long and I felt the strange need to open up a closet door and share the surface. I don't know why, but I felt he needed to know where I had come from. I let my emotions impede my judgement too many times but it did not keep him from speaking truth into my life. He described it like this. I am a hot air balloon. I'm full of fire, and passion and desires. But I have all these bags of sand tied around the side that are keeping me from reaching the things I want so badly.

I don't think he realized how right he was. I don't trust easy. And that may be a good thing at this point because the one person I need to trust the most, hasn't gotten anything: God. He deserves my 100% full trust. And He won't break it. I've started to give it to him before, and then I get this crazy idea I can do it on my own. Well, you can't.

NOTE TO SELF: Emilie, you CANNOT do it on your own.

Now, it is simply a matter of taking the many, many truths that my head knows so well, and getting my heart to agree.

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